Leaning on Tebow's Everlasting Arm

Y’all remember in May when that crazy old Christian radio dude Harold Camping said that he had a mathematical equation that told him the rapture would occur and the world would come to an end on May 21. Then when that didn’t happen he said that his math was wrong and he was off by five months and the rapture would actually occur on October 21. And, then when that didn’t happen he said that it actually had happened, but the ones of us who were left behind had not been taken up to our savior’s home in the sky.

Well, I believe Harold Camping was right. Now, I know it might sound crazy, but hear me out. I believe that Camping was in fact telling the truth after the first wrong prediction when he said he was off by five months and I too believe him when he said that the rapture did in fact happen on October 21.

Why? Because two days after that a returned Jesus Christ inhabited the body of Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow and the lowly Broncos beat the Miami Dolphins. They would lose the next week to the Detroit Lions, but then they would embark on a six-game winning streak that could only be referred to as miraculous.

Sure, the Mighty Tebows lost pretty handedly to the New England Patriots on Sunday, but they had to because people were catching on and you don’t want anybody jumping on the Jesus bandwagon because they all think they’re going to Hell.

Don’t bandwagoners suck, y’all?

But, here’s the plan between now and the beginning of February. Tebow is going to continue leading the Broncos to victories. He’ll first win the AFC West division, he’ll then beat whoever he has to in the first few rounds of the playoffs and then he’ll take the Super Bowl by storm putting on the greatest show the football world has ever seen, which will include saving Madonna at halftime and then when that clock strikes all zeroes and the Broncos have won the Super Bowl and Tebow the MVP all of the Tebow believers will pile on Tebow’s shoulder pads and ride that highway to the sky, while all of us non-believers will die in a fiery blood storm that will include getting stomped by Ndamukong Suh, hit in the head by James Harrison and forced to listen to Rex Ryan press conferences for all eternity. For all of us who will face this damnation I can only hope that Tebow will have mercy on our souls.